Damage I’ve Done

We all make mistakes. It is part of how we learn and navigate through life. I, like others, have made a lot of mistakes in the past that has formed to into a better person. For the last couple years of my life I have tried to live without regret. Instead of regretting things I have said or done I would simply use it as a learning experience and not repeat it. Not an easy thing to do and sometimes I need to make the same mistake multiple times for it to finally be engrained in my mind.

When I entered college, I was not the same person I am now (roughly 4 years later). I made a lot of mistakes and hurt a lot of people. I remember very little about this time in my life. I have been reminded of things that I did to people, things that I have little to no memory of until they said something. I can live with making mistakes, but I cannot live with not remembering them because then I can’t keep myself from making them again. I have been trying to mend these relationships, but I am finding out that not all relationships can be mended.

There was an individual that I was friends with in the beginning of college. I did something to them that I do not recall; no matter how hard I try to remember I draw a blank. This has become a big issue because now, three years later, we are in the same group of people and both feel uncomfortable. She feels uncomfortable because of what I did, I feel uncomfortable because I don’t know why she dislikes me so much. I am conflicted. I joined this group because it’s what makes me feel whole. She has been a part of it for much longer than I have. The fact that I am a part of this group makes her uncomfortable and gives her anxiety. As someone who suffers from anxiety, I would not wish that on anyone. So naturally the caring side of me kicks in and thinks I should leave the group so she no longer has to feel like this, because I feel bad that I cause her so much distress. But then I remember that I need to think about myself. I joined this group for a reason; it makes me feel complete and happy. I am a people pleaser and I often put others happiness before my own, but that is something I need to stop. I know that I will be much more unhappy if I left this group for the individual. Then I am reminded that I cannot please everyone. I really shouldn’t let one individual make me leave something I love. So as long as the two of us can come to an agreement and be respectful that should suffice. But what truly bothers me is that I have no memory of what I did to her to make her feel the way she does. It is something I might never remember.

What also bothers me is that I have a tendency to piss people off without noticing it. I am a very outspoken person because I believe in speaking my mind and not caring what people think about me. But in reality I do care what people thing about me. This is what ends up happening to me.  I join a group of like minded people and its awesome….at first. Then I slowly start feeling unwanted and like I am hated by the group members. I know that at least part of it is in my head, but I do not think it is all in my head. I get negative vibes around people, feeling like they just don’t want to talk or be around me. I do not know how this happens, but when I try to confront people they won’t talk to me. So how am I supposed to try to fix these problems if people won’t tell me why they have a problem with me?

The worst part of all of this is feeling unwelcome in a group that you really want to be a part of. I have left so many groups because I just couldn’t stand to be around such negative vibes. No one wants to be a part of a group when they do not feel welcome.

Repercussions of a Dying Love

Earlier this year I was dating a woman that I had liked for a long time. I fought for her attention and convinced her that we should take a shot at a relationship together. See, we both liked each other for over a year; it was to the point where every time we looked at each other we wanted to kiss but knew we couldn’t. So one day, I finally convinced her to give me a chance. We dated for a month and a half. It wasn’t easy but I fought every day to do everything in my power to make her happy.

One day, it seemed like everything changed for the worse. I was under a lot of stress and I snapped, I yelled at her. From then on we were on a downward spiral. I loved her, and I felt bad for losing my cool. I told her I would do anything to make up for it and make her happy. The fighting continued, the way she talked to me made me feel lower than dirt. She would attack me through text; accuse me of all these things that weren’t remotely true. The way she talked to me and treated me pushed me away. She talked about how we should just break up, and I was waiting for the day she would finally end it. One day I just couldn’t take her berating anymore and I ended the relationship.

Before we got together I had made her a promise that I would be her friend no matter what the outcome of our relationship. No matter how hurt I was I was committed to keeping that promise. Without a doubt, we were both hurt at the end of the relationship. She made me feel guilty, claimed that it came out of nowhere when I thought that I was giving her what she wanted. Months have gone by and I still can’t talk to her without getting in a fight. She makes me feel guilty. She tells me how much she hurts, how much she regrets. I tried to save the friendship, but it just isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

I lost a friend because I wanted to have a relationship with her. But that’s not the only repercussion of our breakup. We have a lot of friends in common, friends that I no longer have. See in our group of friends, I’m the monster and she’s the innocent victim. Like how dare I break her heart, I must be ashamed of myself. Because of our break up I lost friends. Because of our break up I feel unwanted in a group that I once sought comfort in. They took her side and made me out to be a monster, filled her head with terrible lies about me. Months later and we don’t even know each other like we thought we did. Making accusations that before the break up we never would have made. Leaving me with guilt and a lot of enemies. I would have done anything for her, but there is a time when the good person just can’t be the good person anymore. I can no longer sacrifice my feelings to try to make her happy. It hurts; this is not how I wanted things to end.