Damage I’ve Done

We all make mistakes. It is part of how we learn and navigate through life. I, like others, have made a lot of mistakes in the past that has formed to into a better person. For the last couple years of my life I have tried to live without regret. Instead of regretting things I have said or done I would simply use it as a learning experience and not repeat it. Not an easy thing to do and sometimes I need to make the same mistake multiple times for it to finally be engrained in my mind.

When I entered college, I was not the same person I am now (roughly 4 years later). I made a lot of mistakes and hurt a lot of people. I remember very little about this time in my life. I have been reminded of things that I did to people, things that I have little to no memory of until they said something. I can live with making mistakes, but I cannot live with not remembering them because then I can’t keep myself from making them again. I have been trying to mend these relationships, but I am finding out that not all relationships can be mended.

There was an individual that I was friends with in the beginning of college. I did something to them that I do not recall; no matter how hard I try to remember I draw a blank. This has become a big issue because now, three years later, we are in the same group of people and both feel uncomfortable. She feels uncomfortable because of what I did, I feel uncomfortable because I don’t know why she dislikes me so much. I am conflicted. I joined this group because it’s what makes me feel whole. She has been a part of it for much longer than I have. The fact that I am a part of this group makes her uncomfortable and gives her anxiety. As someone who suffers from anxiety, I would not wish that on anyone. So naturally the caring side of me kicks in and thinks I should leave the group so she no longer has to feel like this, because I feel bad that I cause her so much distress. But then I remember that I need to think about myself. I joined this group for a reason; it makes me feel complete and happy. I am a people pleaser and I often put others happiness before my own, but that is something I need to stop. I know that I will be much more unhappy if I left this group for the individual. Then I am reminded that I cannot please everyone. I really shouldn’t let one individual make me leave something I love. So as long as the two of us can come to an agreement and be respectful that should suffice. But what truly bothers me is that I have no memory of what I did to her to make her feel the way she does. It is something I might never remember.

What also bothers me is that I have a tendency to piss people off without noticing it. I am a very outspoken person because I believe in speaking my mind and not caring what people think about me. But in reality I do care what people thing about me. This is what ends up happening to me.  I join a group of like minded people and its awesome….at first. Then I slowly start feeling unwanted and like I am hated by the group members. I know that at least part of it is in my head, but I do not think it is all in my head. I get negative vibes around people, feeling like they just don’t want to talk or be around me. I do not know how this happens, but when I try to confront people they won’t talk to me. So how am I supposed to try to fix these problems if people won’t tell me why they have a problem with me?

The worst part of all of this is feeling unwelcome in a group that you really want to be a part of. I have left so many groups because I just couldn’t stand to be around such negative vibes. No one wants to be a part of a group when they do not feel welcome.

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