Drowning in Emotions

Him. He knows who he is; in fact everyone in our friend group knows who he is. Let’s just say I don’t hide my feelings well. I have strong feelings for him. I can’t call it love for the fear of sounding crazing and knowing that it probably isn’t because there is still so much I do not know about him. But whatever it is, it is overpowering. I am drawn to him. He knows how I feel about him, and maybe once felt something similar. We played around a little but we knew we had to call it off before it got out of hand and someone got hurt. That was while ago, but yet I cannot say I am over him. The feelings sometimes feel diminished, but other times feel amplified. I desperately want to be closer to him, if not in the form of dating than in the form of close friends. I respect his wishes though still struggle to control my thoughts, words, and actions. I have never felt feelings this strong and so out of control that it frightens me and embarrasses me. The more I learn about him the harder I fall. I hate these feelings. I hate that I feel like an annoying little school girl begging for the attention of a hot upperclassmen. I hate that I come off as clingy or obsessed. I hate that I do things that annoy him. I hate that I do not know the fine line between being my normal flirty self and hitting on him way too much. I hate feeling embarrassed of my feelings and how they affect my actions. But I don’t know what to do. I can’t help that my heart races when I see him or there are times where he is all I can think or talk about. I wish I didn’t have these feelings, or at least wish they weren’t so strong. He is someone that I would do anything for and would do anything just have the chance to take him out on a date and see where it went. But I know I can’t be with him. And while he might have been interested at one time, my actions have surely destroyed and interest he had. I think he is perfect, and it hurts that I will never have a chance to be with him the way I want to. I can live with that as long as he is in my life. But I fear he may not be in my life much longer if I cannot control my emotions and actions when I am around him. I am confused, scared, and I do not know what to do about this. I don’t want to feel this way; I don’t want my emotions to control me. I wish I could explain to him how I feel, maybe he would understand, but I feel he would just find me crazy and be out of my life for good. Whatever this is that I am feeling, it needs to stop because I cannot handle it anymore.

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