Yesterday was National Siblings Day. All of my friends were posting pictures and stories on Facebook about their siblings and how much they love them. Call me a hipster, but I wanted to join in on the fun. So I searched through my computer for some pictures through the years and thought of what I would say.
I had a few thoughts as to what to write. I thought about writing about my best friend and not my biological sister because my best friend is more of a sister to me than my actual sister. I thought about writing something nasty and truly expressing how I feel about my sister, but I quickly ruled that out for various reasons. In the end, I chose something simple. “Today is National Sibling Day. We may not get along very well but you’re the only sibling I got so we are stuck with each other”. Accurate and appropriate, but nowhere near expressing my true feelings toward my sister. That’s where my blog comes in handy.
Anyone who knows me well enough knows that my sister and I do not have a good relationship. I wouldn’t post on Facebook how I truly feel for the protection of my sister and not wanting to upset my mom and look like a bad person. I know my mom will read this, and while it might upset her I don’t think she will be surprised. I know my sister won’t read this, but if she does I hope it hurts her so she knows how she makes me feel. I don’t feel bad saying that.
My sister and I are 3 and a half years apart. Looking back at old photos, I miss the old days. The days where we would take selfies together, where we would play games on Christmas Eve because we were too excited to sleep and wanted to keep each other company, where I actually felt I had a sister. For the longest time I have felt like an only child. I felt like my sister wasn’t really my sister, but a relative I hated visiting, but still sought her attention. I don’t feel like I have a sister. I used to have a sister, but she grew up and abandoned me. She left me when I needed her, when I was constantly being bullied I didn’t have a big sister that would look out for me. I didn’t have someone to get advice from or talk to about things I was too scared to talk to my parents about. Because of her I felt abandoned, neglected and alone for a really long time. Now all I feel is disgust, disappointment, and ashamed.
You aren’t my sister; I don’t even know who you are. You are someone who is too busy with her friends to care about anyone but herself. You are someone who doesn’t ask how I am or what is going on in my life. You are someone who doesn’t listen when I try to tell you about my life. You are someone who visits the town I live in and doesn’t tell me, instead spends all your time with your friends and can’t even spend five minutes to say hi. You are someone who ignores me, when I try so desperately to make plans with you. You are someone that doesn’t seem to remember I exist. You are someone who is selfish, someone who would make their mother drive them around town to see their friends when we are supposed to be celebrating her birthday. You make everything about you and couldn’t give a fuck about anyone else. You are someone who doesn’t put in effort to see their family. You are someone who tells her parents she has no money to pay back what she owes them, but is always going out and doing stuff with her friends. Tell me, if you don’t have money to pay back your parents then how do you have money for concerts, and going out every weekend? You are someone I used to love and look up to. Now you are someone I can’t stand to be in the same room with for more than 5 minutes. You are someone I look at and make sure I do not become anything like you. I look at you and think, “how can someone be so selfish”, “how can someone be so stupid”. You are someone I used to think was smart. You are someone who would let her S.O threaten a family member, when said family member was only looking out for you. You are someone who berates a family member for telling you the truth about your S.O. when you clearly only believe what they say and not someone who has known you all their life. You are someone I used to love and admire. You are someone I used to be proud to call my sister. We may have the same parents, but you are not my sister. I don’t know who you are, and I don’t want to.