This is not for the faint heart. This post talks about depression and suicide.
For those who read my blog but don’t know me in person, you are unaware of the events that I have suffered through in the last month. Within the month of March I have lost three friends to suicide. It is never easy to lose someone close to you and it is even harder when the death was self-inflicted. This is hard for me to handle, not only because they were all in the same month, but because of my history as well. Through my life I have struggled with depression. There were many point through my life where I was so depressed that I thought about suicide and wanted to take my life. As I got older the suicidal phases occurred less often, but they still occurred. Last year, I thought I was ready to take my life. I felt that I lost my purpose in life and that my suffering outweighed my happiness. Through counseling I overcame my depression and am doing much better. After I lost my friends I look back at my past and think “how in the hell could I do that to someone”. I hate that it took me the death of three friends to realize how valuable life is and how I don’t think I could ever be suicidal again.
When I was younger I was bullied relentlessly. I didn’t think life would ever get better because I was bullied for anything and everything with no foreseeable end. For this reason I wanted to take my life multiple times. In high school I started seeing counselors. It wasn’t easy and it took 4 counselors to finally find the right one and begin the road to recovery. Finding a good match in a counselor is though enough, but what made it harder was that i was being denied help because I was a teenager. To think that someone would actually deny help to a suicidal teenager because they don’t take teenage patients is ridiculous. Imagine if the person you denied help to ended up taking their life, how would you feel? I hope the people who denied me feel guilty. However, because of this my dream was born. I never want anyone to go through what I had to live with. No one should ever be denied help. I dream of becoming a counselor aiming to help teenagers. I want to help victims of bullying, sexual assault, and anyone else who might be at risk for suicide. I want to prevent suicide, because no one should be so miserable that they think death is the answer. If we as a society don’t do anything to help these individuals then we are telling them it is okay for them to take their life. Because of the loss of my friends I have become more passionate about my dream. My dream is what drives me to live through the shit that life throws at me, no matter how bad it gets.
The following are my final thoughts to my late friends, The things I wish I could tell them.
Anthony Almanza: I had a crush on Anthony throughout high school and always wanted to talk to him. We weren’t close, he kind of kept to his small friend group and family and I had many failed attempts of getting closer to him. I always thought he was a nice, smart guy. I don’t recall if I actually had the guts to ask you or not, but I wanted to ask you to prom senior year. I didn’t know that you were suicidal, but I wish I did. I wish I knew more about you because I could have been a source for you since I have been going through the same thing. I didn’t want you to feel like you were alone in the world, a feeling I know all too well. I remember being excited that we were going to the same college, I saw it as a chance to finally become closer friends, I am sad that it didn’t happen. You are missed my friend.Thank you for being in my life.
Paul Allen: I didn’t know you long, but I am happy to have had you in my life. I remember you asking me out on a date only to find out that I had a boyfriend. I thought you were adorable and I really started to like you. You were there for me when no one else was. You drove an hour at like 11pm to be there for me when I was upset. I regret not being there for me as much as you were there for me. I knew you were suicidal and I tried to do all I could for you. I regret pushing you away because I was annoyed because you wouldn’t listen to the advice I gave you and I didn’t know what else I could do. It hurt me to see you in pain and it hurts me more now that you are gone. I feel guilty. I feel like I could have been a better friend to you, maybe I could have helped you and you could still be here. I am always going to wonder what would have happened if I was a better friend. I care about you and I miss you. Thank you for being in my life.
Josh Issac: Your cause of death hasn’t been confirmed yet, but rumors are that you took your life. it doesn’t matter how you died, I am still sad that you are no longer with us. You were such a nice guy and i liked being around you. We had German together multiple times and always sat next to each other. We weren’t really friends outside of class, but I wish we were. I remember seeing you about a month before i got the news. I saw you at the gym and it was a pleasant surprise because I hadn’t seen you in a while and I missed you. I had the biggest crush on you, which makes losing you even harder. It hurts that you are gone, You are missed. Thank you for being in my life.