Why? – An Autobiography of my sexuality

Beware, this may not be something you want to read. The fallowing consists of deep and personal materiel that you may or may not want to know about me. However, I am a brave soul and I am going to share it with whoever wants to read it. This was an assignment for my Sociology of Sexuality class and it was quite a liberating experience writing this.

WHY?

An Autobiography of my sexuality

Why? Because it feels good. It releases my stress and makes me happy. Because I’m curious. Because I am addicted to the pleasure. Because when I was younger, I never wanted to stop touching myself. Because I didn’t know what I was doing, only that it felt good. Because my parents made it seem like a bad thing and I got excited by the thrill of trying not to get caught. Because I found my father’s adult magazines and enjoyed looking at the naked women in them. Because I was embarrassed when my mother caught me and denied what I was doing. Because I continue to be embarrassed by masturbation even though I know I shouldn’t be.  Because sex ed classes never actually taught us about sex. Because I was too embarrassed to have the sex talk with my mother. Because I thought sex was the rubbing together of male and female genitalia. Because I knew nothing about penetration and when I found out EVERYTHING CHANGED! Because I wanted to know what it felt like with a partner. Because middle school make out sessions turned into groping sessions. Because I wanted to do the things I did with guys, with girls as well. Because I didn’t know what it meant to be gay or straight. Because I was called a lesbian and though, “What if?”, and decided to look into it. Because I felt pressured to have sex. Because I felt pressured to stay a virgin. Because I wanted to lose my virginity to someone special. Because I was terrified I would regret who I lost it to. Because I was madly in love with the boy I lost it to at age 16. Because I felt used when he dumped me a few months later. Because we had sex on a weekly basis. Because he turned me into a sex addict. Because after we broke up I needed my fix but couldn’t land a boyfriend. Because I’ve slept around a lot to feed the burning need inside of me. Because I’ve had some pretty amazing sex.  Because I have had some regrettable sexual encounters. Because he didn’t stop when I wanted him to. Because He peer pressured me into having sex when I wanted to wait. Because I blame myself for these events. Because I don’t think I was a victim of rape or any kind of foul play, but instead just made some mistakes. Because more experience started to mean more fun. Because I tried many things I never thought I would. Because I know now that I would try just about anything once. Because how can you know your likes and dislikes if you aren’t willing to experiment. Because it feels amazing no matter if it is rough, soft, crazy, tamed, drunk, sober, casual or intimate. Because I love the feeling of someone else’s skin on my own. Because I love men. Because I love women. Because I think all bodies are beautiful. Because I felt guilty for the amount of partners I had to the point where I stopped keeping track in order to not become depressed. Because I was teased because I like everyone. Because I’m confident with men and can be my sexy dominate self but the thought of having sex with a women gives me anxiety. Because I’m shy and don’t know how to talk to women, even though they are the same gender as me. Because I don’t want to be a creep and say “Hey, let’s hook up”. Because the only time I’ve been confident with my sexual abilities with women is when I was under the influence of alcohol. Because when I am with a new partner I get nervous. Because I’ve been told time and time again that my body is not beautiful and that I am not wanted. Because I felt like sex was the only thing I was good for because it was all anyone ever wanted from me. Because I had sex with guys I liked because I thought something was better than nothing. Because I wanted a committed relationship when it seems like no one else does. Because sex ruined what relationships I was able to obtain. Because I used sex as a weapon to get what I wanted. Because I felt guilty for what I was doing and needed to put an end to it. Because I learned to control my sexual desires and wait for the right time to have sex with an individual. Because I have become more confident in my sexual abilities with either gender. Because I have learned to love my body even if it isn’t exactly the way I want it to be. Because I am no longer ashamed of my sex life. Because I enjoy sex. Because I am human.

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